Revisiting my old grudges

I recently got invited to hang out with some specific old schoolmates. Instead of feeling joyful or nostalgic, I remembered the grudges I hold against them.

I was never harshly bullied in school. But there were times I got side-eyed and subtly ridiculed simply because I was there. I didn’t feel anything then. But now that I’ve grown, I realized they were being assholes and were only happy when I took off.

I’ve been a passionate person since elementary school. I like drawing comic strips, writing songs, and being in organizations. Until now, I still remember the things I heard people say about me:

“What the hell is with Irfan writing dumb-ass songs?”

“Yeah yeah, it’s annoying seeing you doing that.”

“You need to stop doing that; it’s irritating everyone.”

Oftentimes, I feel like the most vindictive person in the world. But sometimes I also feel like the most forgiving. Like, I do forgive them, but I can never forget the times they make me feel out of place, like I don’t belong, or deserve to be alone so I won’t irritate anyone.

I feel super vengeful when I revisit my old grudges like this. Because I’m aware that other people got it way worse than I did. But putting what they did to me aside, I think it’s quite healthy to revisit these feelings from time to time.

I don’t have any psychological or scientific justification for this. I just feel it’s good to reminisce not only about the good things people did to (or with) you.

In some ways, I’m thankful to them as well; it shaped me into who I am today. I got to know what kind of person I’m looking for to be friends or partners with. And I’m super grateful to have met my wife, who knows what it feels like to be shot down when we got excited about something.

I hope I don’t offend you if you had worse things you had to deal with in the past. I can never justify to all of you “revisiting your old grudges.” But since you can’t forget it anyway, you might as well take that garbage juice once in a while.

I think it got me where I positively am today. I hope your shitty past can pave the way to a beautiful life ahead with great lessons and perspective.